I was reading an article in Glamour magazine on the meaning of a “high maintenance” woman. The main point of the article was interesting: most women think they are high maintenance when actually, they aren’t. It has to do with asking for what we want in a relationship, not just the big things, but the little things too. Like asking a guy to make plans a couple of days in advance instead of a text at 3AM asking, “what r u up to right now?” That kind of request is really just basic respect.

In general, we don’t want a man to think we’re too eager for commitment, so we try so hard to be the cool girl. The one he can trust won’t blow a fuse if he’s a little late or he cancels at the last minute. Oh, you’re tired because you were out the past three nights with mysterious friends until 2AM? No problem, it’s cool. But the more the same pattern continues, the more confused, frustrated, and miserable you become.

Instead of continuing on the track of being the cool girlfriend, it’s time to start asking for what you want. Healthy relationships require boundaries. They require communication. If you want to be exclusive and you don’t let him know, you’re hurting yourself in the process. If he’s truly interested, he will let us know. But if we never say anything, the relationship will be completely on his terms. And once that happens, it becomes a lot harder to shift things back toward something fair.

It’s a hard thing to do. Most of us would rather wait things out and hope that the guy comes around, that he sees how wonderfully awesome and fantabulous we are and wants nothing more than to be with us forever and ever. But this is not how it works. If we walk around in fear of him bolting as soon as we ask for what we want, then we won’t get anywhere. It’s time to have that courageous conversation. The truth is, clarity is usually kinder than silence.